“Before enlightenment, I used to be depressed: after enlightenment, I continue to be depressed.” (DeMello, Anthony; Awareness. Ed. J. Francis Stroud, S .J. Doubleday, New York. 1990. p. 30)
–DeMello lived from 1931 to 1987 and served in the Jesuit Order in the Catholic Church. He had been ordained a priest and was also a trained psychologist. He spent about eighteen years engaged in the work of giving workshops on spirituality and psychotherapy. You can learn more about Anthony DeMello at: http://www.demellospirituality.com.
In this blog, I want to focus on writing about depression in light of Anthony DeMello’s talks on spirituality. I am drawing mostly from the work titled “Awareness.” This book is a compilation of talks and retreats facilitated by Anthony DeMello. The book was put together by J. Francis Stroud, S .J. (the editor.)
I started this blog with a direct quote from “Awareness” where DeMello is speaking paradoxically about depression. In a way, his statement is a type of koan that Buddhist monks will employ to help further their journey toward spiritual growth and enlightenment. As defined by the Merriam Webster dictionary a koan is: “a paradox to be meditated upon that is used to train Zen Buddhist monks to abandon ultimate dependence on reason and to force them into gaining sudden intuitive enlightenment (http://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/koan).
DeMello further develops his statement by saying, “You step outside of yourself and look at that depression, and don’t identify with it” (p. 30). DeMello speaks about how identifying with our depression actually reinforces our experience of being depressed. When a person becomes depressed s/he may often say (or, at least, think), “I am depressed.” Our very language structure reinforces identifying with the depression. Depression becomes our name. Imagine greeting someone by saying, “Hi, I’m depressed. What’s your name?” DeMello suggests that by using language that allows us to observe the dreadful emotional state without getting too attached to it can free us from reinforcing the negative experience. For example, a person may say (or think) something like, “There is depression.” This allows the experience of depression to be observed without having to define oneself as depressed.
DeMello points out that there seems to be a constant inner observer that remains consistent and unchanged throughout the duration of our lives. He uses the word “I” to describe the unchanging inner observer. This unchanging observer has also been referred to in literature as the “true self,” “core self,” “divine spark,” “unconditioned self,” “spirit,” etc. etc. etc. DeMello uses the word “me” to describe the conditioned (changing) self. This “me” has been referred to as “ego,” “conditioned self,” and I’m sure by other terms as well.
DeMello bases his discussion on the spiritual or philosophical conundrum of the “observer” (I) and the “observed (me)” Let me illustrate with a practical exercise you can do right now as you read this most excellent blog post.
Can you define who you are as the observer? Who is reading this post? Who is thinking about the words being read? Who are you? This seems like a simple question; however, the answer becomes elusive quite quickly. You may say, “I am (insert your name). But, clearly, you are not your name. Your parents could have just as easily named you any other name. You may say, “I am a (insert your job title/profession)”; but clearly you can change jobs. Perhaps a person may say they are Catholic or a Jew or Buddhist. And yes, a person’s faith can be a very important part of identity; however, if the person experiences a conversion event in their life, did they fundamentally change their identity? What about political affiliations? A person may identify as Republican; however if they switch to become a Libertarian, did the core of their identity suddenly change?
DeMello refers to these titles such as our name, political affiliations, religious affiliation and professions as “labels” that describe the “me;” however these labels can never quite reach or define the “I.” At most, DeMello concedes, a person may be able to call themselves a ‘human being’ or ‘person;” however, every other label fails to truly stick to the “I” or unchanging inner observer.
So, let me tie this back to the topic of depression. Since it is not really possible to define the unchanging inner observer, it allows freedom to not identify with painful emotions or negative thoughts either. Let me explain. Once I realize that I am not my name, my profession, my faith affiliation, my political affiliation etc. etc. etc. (because all these labels can change); I can also realize I am not my thoughts and I am not my feelings. For the very same reason…my thoughts can change (and often do) and my feelings can change just as easily. Once we stop identifying with our thoughts, we can be free to realize that my state of mind is not permanent and can change. We can also observe our emotions without being attached to them…even painful ones.
I can realize that my emotions and thoughts are fluid and I experience them; however they are transient rather than my core identity. This allows me to recognize that I am experiencing an emotion that can change and most certainly will change. The same way a thought may arise and then move on as a cloud blows through the atmosphere by the force of a strong wind. I can be less disturbed by the emotional event because I realize it will pass. I can sit back and observe the strong emotion or highly negative thought without feeding it with my energy or attach my identity to it.
As I write this blog, I am aware that many people struggle with debilitating depressions that are physically painful and emotionally devastating. I am not making light of these types of depressions. I do recommend that a person seek a psychiatrist for medications to treat their depressive symptoms. However, I do believe that DeMello’s insights continue to prove useful to these types of painful and debilitating depressions. Let me illustrate. Even in the midst of painful experiences I can still recognize that I am not the pain. For example, if I stub my toe. Wow! That hurts!! However, the pain passes. It is experienced and it passes. I do not have to identify with the pain, I can say (or think) something like, “Oh, there is pain, I need to watch out for the bed post next time.” Pain is information, valuable information, yet still not my identity.
Likewise, even in the midst of a painful depression or debilitating anxiety, I can recognize, “Wow, there is a log of pain happening! It is an exquisitely excruciating experience.” The pain is information. Perhaps (perhaps not) it can provide insight into how to address the depression (like the pain from the stubbed toe alerts me to avoid the bed post.) The pain of the depression may (or may not) help me address the situation causing the depression yet I can still recognize the pain will pass (eventually) and may return again.
I believe this is how an enlightened monk can still suffer from depression. S/he realizes that suffering exists and yet the core of their identity is deeper than the suffering. S/he can realize they do not have to escape the suffering yet they also do not have to identify with it either.
I believe DeMello offers freedom from suffering but not a cure for depression or anxiety. If a person can be open to what DeMello presents in his talks, a person can recognize that pain is inevitable; suffering is optional. This can be a great relief to many once they grasp they magnitude of what DeMello presents. I highly recommend reading the book “Awareness.” I find DeMello delightfully confounding with a powerful message that can literally change the way a person experiences depression (and any kind of suffering, for that matter) in their life.
richardkpayne 